


An Epiphany, Slowly

by AMeasureOfMadness (OfBatsAndBirds)



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Humor, References to Canonical Character Death, introspective, post STID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 13:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/868014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OfBatsAndBirds/pseuds/AMeasureOfMadness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he woke up (came back to life—shit) Jim considered running. Not literally, of course. For one, he wouldn't make it very far considering he still had to pee into a bag. For another, Bones would kill him (Jim was positive Bones had kept some of that serum around just so he could). So no, not literally, or at least, not immediately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Epiphany, Slowly

**Author's Note:**

> Not Beta'd.
> 
> Warnings: Brief mentions of Jim's death and that of the crew but nothing graphic.
> 
> Also posted on my [tumblr](http://amaesureofmadness.tumblr.com/tagged/mine).

When he woke up ( _came back to life—shit_ ) Jim considered running. Not literally, of course. For one, he wouldn't make it very far considering he still had to pee into a bag. For another, Bones would kill him (Jim was positive Bones had kept some of that serum around just so he could). So no, not literally, or at least, not immediately.

But hearing the tally of all the lives he couldn't save,  _his_ officers and crewman who died because he was too damn hot headed and prideful to listen to his friends, all Jim wanted to do was go back to that bar in Riverside and drink until he could forget. He never should have left it in the first place.

So he plans. As much as he'd like to he can't just vanish, because he owes what's left of his crew more than that. If that demonstrates that he is no longer that asshole drunk from small town nowhere, well, he figures shifting back into that role shouldn't be too hard. Give him a few whiskies and he'll be well on his way.

At first, his plans consist solely of getting his Lady back in proper, lovely, working order and covering his future tracks. Except that trying to process the requisite forms Spock gave him causes him to realize just how much of a bureaucratic nightmare Starfleet has become. It was always annoying before but now entire reports and urgent requests fall through the cracks as personnel are constantly shifted around in order to fill in the gaps left by the Narada Incident still present in staffing or put on leave in a misguided attempt to discover extent of Marcus' conspiracy. Frustrated, Jim spends a week ferreting out all of Marcus' accomplices. Another two days are given to restructuring Starfleet bureaucracy to work more efficiently with Spock and Uhura. Ten hours to convince the head honchos to accept their proposal.

Really, he just wants to his paperwork to be processed quickly.

And then Sulu asks him to sub for the Command course he is teaching while waiting for the Enterprise to be rebuilt. Jim's leery because he is not anyone's definition of stellar commander, but Sulu sounds like he's about to crack and Jim  _does_ owe him. Standing at the front of the class, Jim finds two-dozen minds hungry to learn, to explore, looking back at him, a challenge to live up to his own legend in their eyes. He teaches them about the painful lessons of captaining a starship, they remind him of the joys.

Sulu gets to take a very long vacation.

(He tried to work on fixing his Lady in what little spare time he had but Scotty always kicked him out after a short time in what Scotty claimed was payback for forcing his hand over the missiles. Jim suspected the real reason was part of the conspiracy to get him to rest as there was always someone “heading in the direction of his quarters anyway and would you mind if I walk with you Captain?”)

Finally Bones sits Jim down (well hypos him and sits  _on_ him) and shoves Jim's letter of resignation in his face because apparently Spock and Chekov had invented a form of spywear that even Jim couldn't detect (He's going to yell at them and then give them all commendations later). Bones just looks at him and asks, "Damnit Jim, what the hell are you running from? Because I don't think you see everything you're leaving behind. How am I supposed to spend five years in space if the only captain I trust my life with is grounded? The hobgoblin is fine—you tell him I said that and I will kill you, I saved some of that psycho's blood just in case—but the Enterprise with you as captain is like a football team without its star quarterback."

He heads to the door then stops, mutters to himself, and says without looking back, "Just because every other Kirk vanished on the people they loved doesn't mean you have to. That is one legend no one hopes you'll live up to."

A few days of pretending the confrontation had never occurred later, he was making the final calls to the families of his dead crewman, spouting apologies that were never enough, when one woman’s lover stopped him and looked him dead in the eyes. “Captain Kirk,” she started slowly, “Themba was not always your biggest fan, she did not trust easily, but a month ago she told me that through your actions you had proven your worth. She knew you were not infallible and had a lot to learn but she respected your decisions and loved your potential. Even if her death was the result of your mistake, though I’m not sure you can completely claim that it was, I believe she would not wish you to give up that potential in favor of miring yourself in guilt and self-pity. You believe her death was a tragic waste, yes? Well I think that it is only a waste if you throw away everything you could have done with the lessons her death taught you.” She ended the transmission, leaving Jim speechless.

Fixing Starfleet, though the job was not yet complete, gave him purpose and assuaged his anger. Teaching had given him hope. Bones’s rant and conspiracy with Spock and Chekov reminded him the family he would stand to lose if he ran, one that had never abandoned him and never would. But it took the ghost of a crewman he had barely known to give him back his explorer’s heart and his desire to deserve the faith that his crew had in him.

Because while George Kirk’s son—

_Who am I?_

_Your father’s son_

 

—while George Kirk’s son could be an officer in four years and captain in eight. James Tiberius Kirk could do both in three. He wondered what he could do with an additional five and the limitless possibilities of space.

 

He destroys all evidence of his resignation letter and calls up Spock to see how the updates to Lab 6 are coming along.

**Author's Note:**

> Because it takes a village (or a starship crew the size of a village) to raise a captain.
> 
> Not sure I'm fully happy with the transition and writing Jim terrifies me because he generally baffles me as much as he fascinates me (I happily join Spock in this), so constructive criticism would be really appreciated. I'm working on something longer from Jim's POV and want to make sure he's as in character as possible.


End file.
